Trials of Worship

Okay. So I'm living up to my name as "Queen P". Parts of the following svithe (does it count as a svithe if it's not posted on a Sunday?) have been sitting in cyberspace as an unfinished draft for nearly two weeks:

For quite a while now I have struggled with going to church. Not because I don't believe the doctrine; but because I struggle with a some of the attitudes that seem to me to exist in my specific congregation, and with a few of those people specifically. And with a few others.

The last time that I'd felt uncontrollably angry and upset while in a church meeting was a few years ago. I'd been attending another ward temporarily. At the very end of our Relief Society lesson on false prophets, one of the women made the comment that "all of the problems in the Middle East" were the result of people believing in Mohammed (i.e.: a false prophet). Then class ended with that as the last comment to be spoken; left to marinate in the listeners' minds--perpetuating ignorant beliefs and incorrect ideas about the majority of the Middle East population and an essentially peaceful religion.

But that incident is another story.

This story is about two Sundays past. It was the worst Sunday that I'd had since the day mentioned above. The lesson on this particular Sunday was about miracles (as loosely interpreted by the teacher). So for the majority of the time, various members of the class shared their views and experiences of the definition of "miracle". At times, I felt I was in a room full of people who were trying to "one up" each other on miraculous personal experiences. At the end of the class, when my frustration level was already near maximum, the teacher decided to share yet another short story. This time it was regarding an employee that he'd had in the past. This employee was openly gay, and the teacher had suggested to him that if he'd only "repent and be baptised", and then pray for help from the Lord, "the feelings of same sex attraction would be taken" from him.

Yeah, right.

Now, a few years ago--or even a couple of years ago--I probably would not have had this same strong reaction. But...knowing more now about same sex attraction, and more about the challenges that face my brother, his wife, and others in the same or similar circumstances...I nearly lost it right there in class.

I really can't completely fathom the challenges faced by those who have same sex attraction--especially those who were raised with a Mormon or other similar religious background. But I'll be damned if I don't stand up for my brother and others in the face of ignorance!

Especially when that ignorance came through to me as, "You sinner!!! You have sinned, that's why you are cursed with this affliction. So you must repent! And be baptised. And say your prayers--more earnestly, because you have been offering only hollow and meaningless prayers to the Lord!".

I've been given this same "advice" about a life challenge that I faced--and believe me, it didn't encourage me to have more faith, or to have the desire to continue to go to church. Quite the opposite, in fact. But I'm is getting off track...

Anyway, I was able to make it to the closing of class. Then afterwards, I approached the teacher outside in the foyer. Trying to remember that I was still in the chapel, I told him that I did not appreciate his ignorant comment--well, basically. True, I wasn't completely calm, nor unaccusing; but his only response to me was that I'd misunderstood him! Huh? Weren't those the words comin' outta your mouth? And why are you glaring at me?!

Since I didn't feel that I could stay any longer in that building without completely losing my restraint, I came straight home to call a sister and vent. Ultimately, Ms. (my blogname for her) reminded me that his comment was just as I saw it: ignorant. And that both her and I had, at one point, been somewhere in that ignorance.

Yes. She was right.

So, I've decided that I'll still go to church. I'll still attend my classes. I'll still believe that the principles and doctrine of the LDS gospel are true. Most importantly, I'll try harder to remember that the perfection of those principles and doctrines doesn't necessarily extend to the members. Myself included.