Okay folks, here it is. The original, but extended, version of my List of Six.
Six Things About Me:
1. Moving to Hawaii was very hard for me. I was 13 years old, and had become very shy and self-conscious after our family's move to a small logging town in Oregon just one year prior. (Before that move I had been very outgoing, did well in school, and had lots of friends). To me Hawaii wasn't Paradise--it was Hell. First of all, I didn't understand the pidgin spoken by both teachers and students at school--so I had a hard time making friends. This led to teasing and taunting at school. I cannot forget the times that tree pods were thrown at me from the balcony; and when I didn't respond the kids yelled out, "she's dead!". And I wished I was. I was taller than just about all of the students (very many of them Asian), and felt that I stood out. Some of the classwork was work that I had done as early as three years before, and I was bored in my classes. At home, I felt I was just one of too many responsibilities that my mother had. With no friends and an emotionally absent mother, I didn't feel that I had anyone to turn to.
2. The church has saved my life--in more ways than one. By "the church" I am referring to both the doctrines of the gospel of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and specifically to a number of members in the ward I was in while growing up. Not long after moving to Hawaii I was old enough to be part of the YMYW activities. It was on my first ever Super Trip that I made my first friends. I started to feel again that maybe I did matter as a person. Over the next four years, I had a handful of leaders that I felt genuinely cared about me, and who I knew I could count on to be there for me if I ever needed a shoulder to lean on. Some of those leaders still fill this role in my life today. I can less clearly explain how the gospel doctrine has saved my life, except to say that I know it has. And I am not talking about the salvation of my soul. I'm referring to a more literal saving. Like the times when I have felt that death was preferable to life; and small little reminders would come to me of why I am here as a mortal being on this earth in the first place.
3. The days of my heaviest "partying" were during my second year as a student at BYU-Hawaii. Gasp! Oh, you'd be surprised how many partying companions I had--or not. Those days ended, fortunately, when I found myself one day sitting at the beach, by myself, with drinks purchased specifically for the purpose of drowning out the anger from the fight with my mother. While sitting there, I all of a sudden had the picture flash through my mind of myself becoming like my father was when I was very young: a violent drunk. That scared me enough to vow that after a New Year's toast I was done with drinking. And I was. Have been now for over 22 years.
4. When I was in my teens, my dream was to become a high-fashion model. I didn't sincerely think that I could become one, but I was infatuated with the idea anyway. Enough so, that I was able to convince my parents (mother and step-father) that I wanted to take modeling classes more than anything in the world. Like a miracle, I was allowed to. I was enrolled at the Barbizon School for Modeling the summer before my junior year. I loved it!!! But just as I was really getting comfortable in the world of Barbizon, my step-father came one day to pick me up from classes. That day we were doing head shots--which meant that we were wearing tube tops so that our shoulders were bare. Well, to step-father that meant something closer to nude pictures, and I was immediately yanked from my beloved classes. After much pleading from myself, and with lots of support from both the Director and Assistant Director of the school, I was finally allowed to return to finish my classes. But with the new rules that I wasn't allowed to wear anything that would suggest nudity in my photos, that I had to get to any "calls" (basically interviews) on my own via the bus, and that I was only allowed to go on calls or do jobs on afterschool time only. I did finish classes, but found the struggle to do it on my own difficult. Even when I was offered by another agency owner to go to Japan with her, I didn't even try because I didn't believe that I would have anyone to support me in my efforts. I regret that to this day.
5. Another thing that I regret: not leaving BYU-Hawaii to attend BYU Provo and become part of the Lamanite Generation. This was another offer that was placed before me by the then director of that program; but that I didn't take because I was young and had no idea how I'd get to Utah, where I'd live, and how I'd pay for living expenses and for school. At that time, I didn't know that most of those concerns would have been taken care of--even if I didn't have any help or support from "home".
6. If I was asked the question, "If you had your life to live over again, would you?", I would say "YES!". I actually have a lot of regrets and resentments about my life. It's very true that I most likely wouldn't be the person that I am today if I was able to live my life over--and that would be just fine with me. You see, this List of Six could very easily turn into a List of Sixty--and pretty much be filled with "things" of resentment, regret, or hurt that most people or no one knows about me. I'd really rather be that person who could answer "no" to the above question--someone who is comfortable with their own ups and downs, and who've they become. Unfortunately, I'm not.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Sick Sucks and the The List of Six
Thursday evening I came home from work feeling a little more tired than usual--after nearly four months in this new position I am still trying to adjust to being awake during the early hours of the day. Since I had papa 'olelo hawai'i later that evening, I decided to set my phone alarm for a short thirty minute nap.
Well, the phone alarm rang and, Help! I couldn't get up. I felt as if I'd been somehow beaten during my short sleep. Those body aches, and the excessive warmth that I was feeling led me to pull out the thermometer from it's hiding place in the bathroom cabinet. After sitting under my tongue for a few minutes--yes, I use the old fashioned mercury filled glass stick--it rewarded me with high marks: 101.4. I was officially SICK!
So I called my coworker to let her know that I wouldn't be in to the office in the morning. Then I immediately took a few ibuprofen and painfully crawled back into bed. Since that evening I have slept, sweat, peed, slept, slept, taken more drugs, slept, sweat, peed, ate a few crackers and drank some juice, slept, sweat--well, you get the picture. Being sick SUCKS.
Finally, though, this afternoon I felt just better enough to start to feel a bit bored. But still not quite cured enough to do the things that I really needed and wanted to do: a few loads of laundry, clean the bathroom and the kitchen, vacuum, go to the store to get what I wanted while it was still on sale, go to the office to catch up on my monthly reports...
However, I am feeling good enough to be able to sit at the computer. This means that I can finally respond to Master Fob's challenge that I accepted, uh, a while ago [see MasterFob's "Six More", from his Wednesday, February 21, 2007 post].
So here it is:
Six Things About Me (the short version*):
1. Moving to Hawaii was very difficult for me.
2. The Church has saved my life--in more ways than one.
3. The days of my heaviest "partying" were during my second year as a student at BYU-Hawaii.
4. When I was in my teens, my dream was to become a high-fashion model.
5. Another regret: not leaving BYU-Hawaii to attend BYU-Provo and become part of the Lamanite Generation.
6. If I was asked the question, "If you had your life to live over again, would you?", I would say, "YES!".
Well, the phone alarm rang and, Help! I couldn't get up. I felt as if I'd been somehow beaten during my short sleep. Those body aches, and the excessive warmth that I was feeling led me to pull out the thermometer from it's hiding place in the bathroom cabinet. After sitting under my tongue for a few minutes--yes, I use the old fashioned mercury filled glass stick--it rewarded me with high marks: 101.4. I was officially SICK!
So I called my coworker to let her know that I wouldn't be in to the office in the morning. Then I immediately took a few ibuprofen and painfully crawled back into bed. Since that evening I have slept, sweat, peed, slept, slept, taken more drugs, slept, sweat, peed, ate a few crackers and drank some juice, slept, sweat--well, you get the picture. Being sick SUCKS.
Finally, though, this afternoon I felt just better enough to start to feel a bit bored. But still not quite cured enough to do the things that I really needed and wanted to do: a few loads of laundry, clean the bathroom and the kitchen, vacuum, go to the store to get what I wanted while it was still on sale, go to the office to catch up on my monthly reports...
However, I am feeling good enough to be able to sit at the computer. This means that I can finally respond to Master Fob's challenge that I accepted, uh, a while ago [see MasterFob's "Six More", from his Wednesday, February 21, 2007 post].
So here it is:
Six Things About Me (the short version*):
1. Moving to Hawaii was very difficult for me.
2. The Church has saved my life--in more ways than one.
3. The days of my heaviest "partying" were during my second year as a student at BYU-Hawaii.
4. When I was in my teens, my dream was to become a high-fashion model.
5. Another regret: not leaving BYU-Hawaii to attend BYU-Provo and become part of the Lamanite Generation.
6. If I was asked the question, "If you had your life to live over again, would you?", I would say, "YES!".
*Named the "short version" because the original list was really, really long with all of the details icluded. So the original has been cut and pasted to my next blog: "The Full List of Six".
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Trials of Worship
Okay. So I'm living up to my name as "Queen P". Parts of the following svithe (does it count as a svithe if it's not posted on a Sunday?) have been sitting in cyberspace as an unfinished draft for nearly two weeks:
For quite a while now I have struggled with going to church. Not because I don't believe the doctrine; but because I struggle with a some of the attitudes that seem to me to exist in my specific congregation, and with a few of those people specifically. And with a few others.
The last time that I'd felt uncontrollably angry and upset while in a church meeting was a few years ago. I'd been attending another ward temporarily. At the very end of our Relief Society lesson on false prophets, one of the women made the comment that "all of the problems in the Middle East" were the result of people believing in Mohammed (i.e.: a false prophet). Then class ended with that as the last comment to be spoken; left to marinate in the listeners' minds--perpetuating ignorant beliefs and incorrect ideas about the majority of the Middle East population and an essentially peaceful religion.
But that incident is another story.
This story is about two Sundays past. It was the worst Sunday that I'd had since the day mentioned above. The lesson on this particular Sunday was about miracles (as loosely interpreted by the teacher). So for the majority of the time, various members of the class shared their views and experiences of the definition of "miracle". At times, I felt I was in a room full of people who were trying to "one up" each other on miraculous personal experiences. At the end of the class, when my frustration level was already near maximum, the teacher decided to share yet another short story. This time it was regarding an employee that he'd had in the past. This employee was openly gay, and the teacher had suggested to him that if he'd only "repent and be baptised", and then pray for help from the Lord, "the feelings of same sex attraction would be taken" from him.
Yeah, right.
Now, a few years ago--or even a couple of years ago--I probably would not have had this same strong reaction. But...knowing more now about same sex attraction, and more about the challenges that face my brother, his wife, and others in the same or similar circumstances...I nearly lost it right there in class.
I really can't completely fathom the challenges faced by those who have same sex attraction--especially those who were raised with a Mormon or other similar religious background. But I'll be damned if I don't stand up for my brother and others in the face of ignorance!
Especially when that ignorance came through to me as, "You sinner!!! You have sinned, that's why you are cursed with this affliction. So you must repent! And be baptised. And say your prayers--more earnestly, because you have been offering only hollow and meaningless prayers to the Lord!".
I've been given this same "advice" about a life challenge that I faced--and believe me, it didn't encourage me to have more faith, or to have the desire to continue to go to church. Quite the opposite, in fact. But I'm is getting off track...
Anyway, I was able to make it to the closing of class. Then afterwards, I approached the teacher outside in the foyer. Trying to remember that I was still in the chapel, I told him that I did not appreciate his ignorant comment--well, basically. True, I wasn't completely calm, nor unaccusing; but his only response to me was that I'd misunderstood him! Huh? Weren't those the words comin' outta your mouth? And why are you glaring at me?!
Since I didn't feel that I could stay any longer in that building without completely losing my restraint, I came straight home to call a sister and vent. Ultimately, Ms. (my blogname for her) reminded me that his comment was just as I saw it: ignorant. And that both her and I had, at one point, been somewhere in that ignorance.
Yes. She was right.
So, I've decided that I'll still go to church. I'll still attend my classes. I'll still believe that the principles and doctrine of the LDS gospel are true. Most importantly, I'll try harder to remember that the perfection of those principles and doctrines doesn't necessarily extend to the members. Myself included.
For quite a while now I have struggled with going to church. Not because I don't believe the doctrine; but because I struggle with a some of the attitudes that seem to me to exist in my specific congregation, and with a few of those people specifically. And with a few others.
The last time that I'd felt uncontrollably angry and upset while in a church meeting was a few years ago. I'd been attending another ward temporarily. At the very end of our Relief Society lesson on false prophets, one of the women made the comment that "all of the problems in the Middle East" were the result of people believing in Mohammed (i.e.: a false prophet). Then class ended with that as the last comment to be spoken; left to marinate in the listeners' minds--perpetuating ignorant beliefs and incorrect ideas about the majority of the Middle East population and an essentially peaceful religion.
But that incident is another story.
This story is about two Sundays past. It was the worst Sunday that I'd had since the day mentioned above. The lesson on this particular Sunday was about miracles (as loosely interpreted by the teacher). So for the majority of the time, various members of the class shared their views and experiences of the definition of "miracle". At times, I felt I was in a room full of people who were trying to "one up" each other on miraculous personal experiences. At the end of the class, when my frustration level was already near maximum, the teacher decided to share yet another short story. This time it was regarding an employee that he'd had in the past. This employee was openly gay, and the teacher had suggested to him that if he'd only "repent and be baptised", and then pray for help from the Lord, "the feelings of same sex attraction would be taken" from him.
Yeah, right.
Now, a few years ago--or even a couple of years ago--I probably would not have had this same strong reaction. But...knowing more now about same sex attraction, and more about the challenges that face my brother, his wife, and others in the same or similar circumstances...I nearly lost it right there in class.
I really can't completely fathom the challenges faced by those who have same sex attraction--especially those who were raised with a Mormon or other similar religious background. But I'll be damned if I don't stand up for my brother and others in the face of ignorance!
Especially when that ignorance came through to me as, "You sinner!!! You have sinned, that's why you are cursed with this affliction. So you must repent! And be baptised. And say your prayers--more earnestly, because you have been offering only hollow and meaningless prayers to the Lord!".
I've been given this same "advice" about a life challenge that I faced--and believe me, it didn't encourage me to have more faith, or to have the desire to continue to go to church. Quite the opposite, in fact. But I'm is getting off track...
Anyway, I was able to make it to the closing of class. Then afterwards, I approached the teacher outside in the foyer. Trying to remember that I was still in the chapel, I told him that I did not appreciate his ignorant comment--well, basically. True, I wasn't completely calm, nor unaccusing; but his only response to me was that I'd misunderstood him! Huh? Weren't those the words comin' outta your mouth? And why are you glaring at me?!
Since I didn't feel that I could stay any longer in that building without completely losing my restraint, I came straight home to call a sister and vent. Ultimately, Ms. (my blogname for her) reminded me that his comment was just as I saw it: ignorant. And that both her and I had, at one point, been somewhere in that ignorance.
Yes. She was right.
So, I've decided that I'll still go to church. I'll still attend my classes. I'll still believe that the principles and doctrine of the LDS gospel are true. Most importantly, I'll try harder to remember that the perfection of those principles and doctrines doesn't necessarily extend to the members. Myself included.
