The Full List of Six

Okay folks, here it is. The original, but extended, version of my List of Six.

Six Things About Me:

1. Moving to Hawaii was very hard for me. I was 13 years old, and had become very shy and self-conscious after our family's move to a small logging town in Oregon just one year prior. (Before that move I had been very outgoing, did well in school, and had lots of friends). To me Hawaii wasn't Paradise--it was Hell. First of all, I didn't understand the pidgin spoken by both teachers and students at school--so I had a hard time making friends. This led to teasing and taunting at school. I cannot forget the times that tree pods were thrown at me from the balcony; and when I didn't respond the kids yelled out, "she's dead!". And I wished I was. I was taller than just about all of the students (very many of them Asian), and felt that I stood out. Some of the classwork was work that I had done as early as three years before, and I was bored in my classes. At home, I felt I was just one of too many responsibilities that my mother had. With no friends and an emotionally absent mother, I didn't feel that I had anyone to turn to.

2. The church has saved my life--in more ways than one. By "the church" I am referring to both the doctrines of the gospel of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and specifically to a number of members in the ward I was in while growing up. Not long after moving to Hawaii I was old enough to be part of the YMYW activities. It was on my first ever Super Trip that I made my first friends. I started to feel again that maybe I did matter as a person. Over the next four years, I had a handful of leaders that I felt genuinely cared about me, and who I knew I could count on to be there for me if I ever needed a shoulder to lean on. Some of those leaders still fill this role in my life today. I can less clearly explain how the gospel doctrine has saved my life, except to say that I know it has. And I am not talking about the salvation of my soul. I'm referring to a more literal saving. Like the times when I have felt that death was preferable to life; and small little reminders would come to me of why I am here as a mortal being on this earth in the first place.

3. The days of my heaviest "partying" were during my second year as a student at BYU-Hawaii. Gasp! Oh, you'd be surprised how many partying companions I had--or not. Those days ended, fortunately, when I found myself one day sitting at the beach, by myself, with drinks purchased specifically for the purpose of drowning out the anger from the fight with my mother. While sitting there, I all of a sudden had the picture flash through my mind of myself becoming like my father was when I was very young: a violent drunk. That scared me enough to vow that after a New Year's toast I was done with drinking. And I was. Have been now for over 22 years.

4. When I was in my teens, my dream was to become a high-fashion model. I didn't sincerely think that I could become one, but I was infatuated with the idea anyway. Enough so, that I was able to convince my parents (mother and step-father) that I wanted to take modeling classes more than anything in the world. Like a miracle, I was allowed to. I was enrolled at the Barbizon School for Modeling the summer before my junior year. I loved it!!! But just as I was really getting comfortable in the world of Barbizon, my step-father came one day to pick me up from classes. That day we were doing head shots--which meant that we were wearing tube tops so that our shoulders were bare. Well, to step-father that meant something closer to nude pictures, and I was immediately yanked from my beloved classes. After much pleading from myself, and with lots of support from both the Director and Assistant Director of the school, I was finally allowed to return to finish my classes. But with the new rules that I wasn't allowed to wear anything that would suggest nudity in my photos, that I had to get to any "calls" (basically interviews) on my own via the bus, and that I was only allowed to go on calls or do jobs on afterschool time only. I did finish classes, but found the struggle to do it on my own difficult. Even when I was offered by another agency owner to go to Japan with her, I didn't even try because I didn't believe that I would have anyone to support me in my efforts. I regret that to this day.

5. Another thing that I regret: not leaving BYU-Hawaii to attend BYU Provo and become part of the Lamanite Generation. This was another offer that was placed before me by the then director of that program; but that I didn't take because I was young and had no idea how I'd get to Utah, where I'd live, and how I'd pay for living expenses and for school. At that time, I didn't know that most of those concerns would have been taken care of--even if I didn't have any help or support from "home".

6. If I was asked the question, "If you had your life to live over again, would you?", I would say "YES!". I actually have a lot of regrets and resentments about my life. It's very true that I most likely wouldn't be the person that I am today if I was able to live my life over--and that would be just fine with me. You see, this List of Six could very easily turn into a List of Sixty--and pretty much be filled with "things" of resentment, regret, or hurt that most people or no one knows about me. I'd really rather be that person who could answer "no" to the above question--someone who is comfortable with their own ups and downs, and who've they become. Unfortunately, I'm not.